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AARON WAS practically family as he was my dad’s best friend. He stuck out like a sore thumb being one of my dad’s only white friends. And the only one that spent time with the whole family. And dare I say he was quite handsome for a man following up on my dad’s age? He always came over for holidays and celebrations. He used to pick me up from school when my folks got held up at work. He was like an honorary uncle. He’d always been a comforting and steady presence in my life. But lately he felt different.
His usual greeting and departing hugs felt a beat longer and whenever I looked at him, he was already watching and smiling at me. It wasn’t anything rude or troubling… simply different. He wasn’t the same way as he was before, but it seemed as if only I noticed the difference. It made me question whether it was me that changed. I had grown older and more observant. But something told me that couldn’t be the case.
I didn’t mind really. At first, it was just a light embrace before we parted ways, but after several years had gone by, he’d slowly begun to pull me in tight and hold me a few seconds longer. His hugs always felt good, like a warm blanket wrapped around my body. He would squeeze just enough for me to feel his strength but not enough to hurt. He smelt like cedar and dark rum; the familiarity of it all making me feel safe and secure. When we weren’t hugging, we were, unintentionally, playing a game of catch and release. Our eyes would meet across the room and we’d hold each other’s gaze for a few seconds before one of us, usually myself, would look away. It was like a secret language between us, and it never failed to make me feel seen and understood, although he’d tease me.
He knew when I was up to something, like when I’d pinch food from someone’s plate or move with the music when I thought no one was looking. A few times, when a raunchy joke was told or some saucy innuendo floated through the conversation, his eyes would meet mine and he’d wink. It was our way of sharing a joke without anyone else knowing. He also kept my secrets. He knew when I’d pour a nip of Jack into my cup, even though everyone else only saw the Coke. He knew when I understood the reason why my cousin “couldn’t walk straight” after a night of fun with her new boyfriend. No one else saw my giggle.
That had given me butterflies for a reason I couldn’t place. Should I have felt wrong with him looking at me whenever something dirty was brought up? I was almost ashamed to admit I looked forward to seeing his eyes on me. Like a flare of excitement bursting from my belly the moment someone mentioned dating or cracked a naughty joke. His eyes flicked to me and mine to him. A secret game during Easter, but what would happen this time around? The thought snapped me into the real world as I distracted myself with mundane tasks, although I couldn’t be sure my thoughts wouldn’t roam through the night.
Everyone was here at my aunt’s house for the Fourth of July. Most of the kids were in the back den, watching a movie or TV show on the big screen, while others were playing pool in the basement or tossing bean bags in the backyard. There was also me, of course, wandering aimlessly, unable to commit to any one group. Too young to hang out with the older cousins, too old to hang out with the younger cousins. I was an in-betweener at age 20. The kitchen and hallway spaces. One of the aunties or tired parents would request a refill of this or tell so-and-so to get something from the car. I was a helpful runner. If someone came into the kitchen looking for something, I was on it. “Big spoons are in the side drawer.” “Extra napkins are in the pantry bottom shelf on the right.” When the doorbell rang I opened it, smiled and said my, “hello how’ve you been,” and took whatever covered dish needed to be set by the rest of the food and went back to wandering.
*ding-dong* *ding-dong*
Another customer! I thought, creating some entertainment for myself, albeit lame. I strolled over to the door, my red solo cup in hand and a forming smile for whichever family member was arriving. Mr. Aaron smiled back brightly. Oh, shit.
It’d been a while since I last saw him; a few months really. Of course, he’s continued to stay awfully handsome. Dusty blonde hair still crowned his head even when my dad had long been bald himself. Beautiful light green eyes that just lit up and darkened depending on the light or his expression. And speaking of expressions, his angular, sculpted face was so good at making them. Yet reading him felt impossible…
“Hey, Mr. Aaron.” My face felt hot. I waited awkwardly while he came through the threshold so I could close the door behind him. The space felt tight. He turned to face me with a big warm smile that made my own smile tighten so hard my cheeks hurt.
“Hey, little girl.”
Ugh, why did he still call me that. It was cute when I was younger, but now it chafed at me. I’m sure he read the annoyance on my face. I wasn’t a little girl anymore and if he meant it in any other way I—
“Oh, you’re mad so I don’t get my hug?”
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